Trusting That The Kids Are All Right

It was my friend Mary’s turn to host playgroup. So it was her gorgeous backyard on a sunny Friday morning where we were gathered and having the most lighthearted of conversations–  setting up trusts and awarding guardianship for our boys in case both parents die…

It was a laugh riot, as you can imagine.

My son, an only child at the time, couldn’t have been more than eighteen months old, but my husband and I had already named a guardian for him– my sister. More devoted and involved than any aunt has ever been and living nearby, she was such an ideal choice that we never gave it a second thought.

Little did I know on that bright, beautiful day in the suburbs that we would be moving across the country, much less across the world. I had hoped, but had no idea that we’d have a second child. I didn’t know keeping regular contact with family across five states and two timezones would be so difficult.

Dropping by every few days, my sister was once a fixture in my son’s daily life. She once knew our  routines, our little sing-song memes, and the order in which books were read at bedtime. It’s hard to explain all that in a will… with or without adding a younger sibling to the mix.

Life hasn’t exactly stood still for my sister either. After we moved away, she bought a house, took a promotion, and got married. I worry how well she and her husband will be able to handle my children. After all, there are many days when I don’t know how I’m going to handle them…

It doesn’t help that my sister makes a point of mentioning that she never wants to have kids. On the other hand, she keeps a room in her house just for Scout and Lou and tears up whenever she has to say “good bye” to them.

My sister and brother-in-law are both talented educators. They share our faith and values, our history, and even our sense of humor.  They are good people and most important of all, they adore our children. I have no reason to believe that they would be anything but wonderful guardians, yet I find myself lecturing them on my parenting philosophies upon the simplest of prompts.

I’m pretty sure the last time we spoke, my sister was all, “Dude, we just wanted to know how preschool is going…”

It’s moments like this when I think back to that day at playgroup. My friends and I each talked about who we had (or had not) chosen as guardians and why. Most of us cited similar parenting styles, shared beliefs, etc. Then, my other friend Marci made a very excellent point.

Once we’re gone, we’re gone… and for all this planning and fretting, there’s nothing else we can do or say about how our children are being raised.

My breath still stops and panic sets in when I think about that comment. My whole mom existence is schedules, systems, and planning, planning, planning. The realization of how little control I ultimately have is tough to comprehend.

Yet,  I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently as I read The Kids Are All Right, a memoir written by four siblings which has nothing to do with that movie (You know. The one that stole its title… )

Funny, heart-breaking, and honest, this book details the years following their father’s mysterious death, their mother’s cancer diagnosis, and their separation once she passed away. Each of the  kids alternates in telling their story– misdeeds, fears, and all.

Throughout most of the book, it’s very clear that they kids were NOT all right. At one point, I wanted to go back to 1986 specifically so I could rescue the youngest from her emotionally abusive adoptive home.

As a reader, you just know this isn’t the way their devoted and loving parents would have wanted their kids’ lives to play out. As a parent, it makes you want to reach out and hold your own children, whispering a lifetime of “I love you’s” in their ears…  Just in case.

Yet, this sort of stuff happens all the time. It happened to them. I could happen to us.  We can try to prepare, but ultimately, we just have to trust that we’ve planned the best we could and hope that the kids will be all right.

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of The Kids Are All Right as part of the From Left To Write Book Club. I was not otherwise compensated from my review. The thoughts and options expressed above are my own. If you would like to read more posts inspired by The Kids Are All Right, please visit the From Left To Write website.

If you would like to purchase a copy of this book, please go here. More information is available on their website.

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