Last week, Mr. D forwarded a dinner invitation from one of his co-workers. It read:
“… my wife and I would like to invite you and your partners to our place for drinks and BBQ on Saturday… Looking forward to hearing if you and your partner can join us!”
I picked up on the use of the word “partners” (twice), as opposed to “families”. Since there’s nothing I hate more than eye-rolls exchanged over glasses of Pinot (or being the clueless parents too busy catching breakables to notice), I asked Mr.D to clarify this point.
The response came back loud and clear…
“You can bring your kid, but NO OTHER KIDS WILL BE THERE, so he’ll probably be very, very bored… Oh and we have a dog. A big one. I hope he’s not allergic….”
As much as I enjoy hanging out Mr.D’s coworkers, it’s just as well. The hosts are certainly entitled to their adults-only evening and I’d rather not take Scout someplace where he’s CLEARLY not welcome. (Although, they could have been less passive-aggressive about it…)
Besides, I’m far too exhausted (and cranky) for making small talk. I told him to just go without us.
“No. Really. Go. We’ll be fiiiine. Have FUN! You deserves a night out. Have a drink for me. Or more… I am eating for two these days.”
I suppose we could have called a sitter…. if only the invitation hadn’t come on very short notice. Oh, and if I didn’t have deep-seated trust issues (thanks, Mom) and we actually HAD a sitter to call…
When we lived in Texas, my parents or my sister and her fiance were always more than happy to watch Scout… sometimes for as long as a week. The worst I ever had to worry about was them spoiling him rotten. Occasionally, we swapped nights out with friends who we adored. Scout especially.
It was awesome, but I never really appreciated exactly how awesome it was until we moved away. Far, far away.
At first, we didn’t mind. Scout goes with us to most places anyway… within reason, of course. We make dinner reservations for 5pm instead of 8, see an exhibit if it isn’t crowded and/or he could nap in his stroller, and only take him to pubs in the UK.
Besides, we reasoned, time will come soon enough when our kids will be aching to go out with FRIENDS (and not their parents) and we’ll have our Friday and Saturday nights to ourselves again. We should just enjoy this time with them.
As Scout’s gained more willfulness independence (and deeply invested in the maddening “why is water wet?” stage), it’s become far more to difficult to have an linear conversation or find time alone where we’re not both half-sleep. And, now with a second one on the way…Oy!
I have to admit, it’s starting to take its toll on our marriage.
Worn thin and on edge, I lost it at dinner the other night when Mr. D interrupted me for the fifty time to coax Scout into taking “one more bite” and get his feet off the table…
“Ahhh! I just want to finish ONE sentence… ONE… that neither begins nor ends with, ‘Do you need a time-out?’, This is the one and only time you and I talk during the day. And no, calling you at your office to let you know that I scheduled your dentist appointment for Thursday and that the rear tires need to be replaced does not count!”
My husband and I could really, really, really use a weekend getaway, but would settle for a nice meal where no one needs to be reminded how to use a fork properly.
Talking to some other moms last week, I found out I’m not the only one that feels this way. However, I seem to be the only one that wants to do something about it.
I was about to suggest we start a baby-sitting co-op, when one of the moms piped in that she and her children are “far too attached to one another” to be apart… even for one hour. The others nodded in agreement.
Well, la-dee-frickin’-da! Let’s canonize you today!
I’m curious if their husbands feels the same way. Do you think they’d like to help get a co-op started?
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Seriously? I cannot believe that the response to your husband’s inquiry was kinda…rude! {Sorry} This is a great post and one I think both my husband and I can relate too – especially the dinner table incident. ;D We live too far from any of our family to ever have a date night and the one person I would trust with my little ones always seems to be out of town. I mean, how dare she have a life! LOL Totally kidding! But it is hard. We’ve started putting the kids down at a consistant time, and then going outside to sit & talk instead of hanging out inside. Or even just turning off the tv and putting some music on and talking. Minimal distraction. It takes effort to do these small things since we are both usually exhausted, but it does helps.
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I/we so feel you on this one! The social exclusion from people without children, the distraction that keeps us from really socializing if we DO bring the child along, all that. Why is it that mothers in our generation somehow so frequently feel like to be a good mom we have to forgo so many other things? it’s great for kids to be around other people– that’s how the world works, in fact!
A babysitting co-op sounds like a dream– here’s hoping you (and we!) will find a social circle where that can become reality because they are really awesome for everyone involved.
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Whew! Ok, I have so much to say about this…I’ll try and keep it to a minimum. 😉
Ok, as far as that email goes…that was just weird. First of all, if you’re sending to people with kids they need for an a last minute notice. Second, if you don’t kids there, fine, but just say something like “we thought it would be fun to get together for dinner with just the adults.” Nothing wrong with that….don’t try to be passive aggressive about it. Ugh. That just irritates me….be direct people be direct!!!!
When we just had Jack we had a lot of those similar feelings too…oh, we don’t mind just spending time with him, or oh well do kid friendly activities. Now, with three, while we definitely enjoy family activities and spending time with our children, we also realize how important it is for us to get some couple time. I swap babysitting with a friend and it’s great and a money saver. We do have babysitters we like to use as well, but the benefit of a friend is that they have their own kids (ie are experienced) and know and love your kids as well. Now since this is long enough I’m just going to pass along some of the best advice I’ve ever received; The best thing you can do for your kids is to put your marriage first. And it’s been true for us…we’ve been the best at parenting and our kids have been happiest when Alex and I have been in a good and loving place in our relationship. Ok, this is long enough…I think I put in more than my two cents! lol
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These are the same Mombots who want you to believe they don’t know who Spongebob is, aren’t they?
I know you’re super tired – and maybe you’ve tried it already – but maybe you guys could have a home date night, where there is no computer, cell phone or ESPN allowed and you can grill out and sit outside AFTER Scout goes to bed. Linear conversations are good for the soul…and you’re right, soon your kids won’t want to have anything to do with you, but your husband is your husband. The marriage comes first. =)
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What a strange little invite? If they wanted it sans kids maybe they should’ve only invited those without them. Hmmmm. And their response was so tacky!
I know what you mean about alone time…adult conversations, etc. We haven’t been on a date since Bella was born! But we are planning one when his family comes down in mid-July. I just want to have a few hours with my hubby and to feel like an adult–even if it is only a movie and dinner 🙂
(I don’t trust anyone but family with Bella! Too many weird, weird people out there….)
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I still feel this way sometimes and my kids are in their teens. I would love to have a nice weekend alone with my Hubs, but can’t even think about leaving our kids for two days alone. I think any mom who says she doesn’t long for a few hours alone her husband is lying.
Same boat…we really don’t have any kiddo watching options. Especially for overnight….
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babysitting coop: count us in. asap.
Very cute post! I think you’d enjoy my daughter’s blog:
http://mama-rambles-on.blogspot.com/
Sad how many do not welcome children or family socializing.
Sorry you have no sitters available…we relate as we’ve spent most of our marriage/family life that way…good news…we survived and are still happy ten kids and decades later!
And as for the moms who can’t bear to be away from their children…and the comment that said anyone who doesn’t say they want time with their hubby is lying…I have often found that when a mom is in a troubled, distant, or not-going-so-well marriage she will make comments like that…perhaps as a shield to her hurting heart. Sometimes when married life is not thriving, someone will attach themselves a little too much to the kids and use it as an excuse or reason why they have no time as a couple. Just thought I’d throw that out there to ponder.
Love your blog…this was my first visit!
Hope you’ll visit me sometime as well!
Peace and Joy!
Judy
http://benmakesten.blogspot.com/
http://www.thebestofhomeschoolfaithandfamilylife.com/
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I think the response from the dinner invitation was rude. It could have been said much more nicely if they wanted an adult dinner party. I must admit I’m also appalled at the local mother’s response to your baby-sitting co-op question. I think it’s healthy to have a “Date Night” even though I know DH and I won’t be having one for quite some time. I can’t wait for us to be able to get back to that.
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Wow…what a not-so-nice invite to a dinner party. There was definitely a nicer way to say it was an adults only party. I’m so sorry that they put you in such an ackward position! I think if someone is going to host a dinner party then they should hire a sitter to keep the kids entertained while the adults relax and enjoy themselves. That way the guests don’t have to try to find a babysitter especially on such short notice. I wish our parents lived closer so they could watch our children but luckily we have my husband’s brother. We call him our “manny!” We usually pay him (since he’s still in college and not working) but we trust him and our son just adores him!
PS…Love your blog….this is my first visit! Congrats on your baby girl! You had asked about the hat that Meredith was wearing on my blog. I actually bought it in the hospital baby boutique when I was on bedrest. It was the only place I could go shopping! LOL. But you can also find really cute ones on etsy.com 🙂
http://www.theschneiderfamily.blogspot.com
**I hope I’m not posting a comment twice but I wasn’t sure if the first one I wrote actually posted or not! So, if it did Sorry for the double response 🙂
Wow…what a not-so-nice dinner party invitation. I’m sorry they put you in such an ackward position. My opinion is if you are going to host a party at your house and the majority of the guests have children, hire a sitter to watch the kids so the parents can bring their children but still enjoy themselves and some adult conversation without having to stop every five minutes for a potty break, wipe a nose, clean up a spill or ten and then the guest don’t have to worry about finding a sitter on such short notice. But that’s just my opinion 🙂
Reading your post it sounded like the conversation at our dinner table. I would really just enjoy being about to talk to my husband without our three year old interrupting that he wants to watch Yo Gabba Gabba instead of Wow Wow Wubbzy, he needs more grape juice, or us explaining why he can’t have Dorito’s until he finishes eating his Fish sticks!
Luckily we do get some nights out together thanks to our “manny” – my husband’s brother. Of course we pay him because he’s still in college but we trust him and our son Jonah adores him. I do however wish that our parents were close so that he could also go stay with them without us having to pay!
PS…Love your blog. This is my first visit! Congrats on your baby girl! You had asked where I bought Meredith’s purple hat. I actually bought it while I was on bedrest at the baby boutique in the hospital. But you can find really cutes on http://www.etsy.com 🙂
http://www.theschneiderfamily.blogspot.com
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