Seven Things I’ve Learned in Seven Years of Marriage

I could start an entire blog about what I thought married life would be like, but someone already did that. Catalog Living, anyone?

This weekend, Mike and I will celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary. Our life is anything BUT catalog-ready perfection, but it is no less wonderful and surprising.

I fell in love with Mike on our second date. I knew I wanted to marry him when a teenager hit his car in a parking lot. Without so much as a glance at his own back bumper, he ran over to the shaken girl and her mother to ask if they were okay. Then, to put the poor girl at ease, he told them a story about a funny mishap from when HE was first learning how to drive.

Because that’s the kind of guy his is. Or in other words, the kind of guy I knew I wanted to marry.

That was a long engagement, an elaborate wedding that made me want to elope to Vegas, six jobs, four houses, and two kids ago… While Mike is still the kind and wonderful person I knew then, we’ve learned a thing or two (billion things) over the years. Here are seven of them:

1. There are Decent Men in the World.

In spite of what a stack of women’s magazines and every single TV drama will have you believe, not all men are terrible, lying cheaters. And, in spite of what ever sitcom will have you believe, not all men are idiots.

In fact, there are men out there who are kind, smart, hard-working, respectful, and want nothing more than to come home to their lovely wife and children every night. And how those children will shriek and go out of their minds running to the door to greet him because they know it’s the highlight of his day.

2. Marriage is Hardly Ever 50-50, but it is a Partnership.

Throw all expectation to the side. It doesn’t matter whose “job” it is. If something needs to be done, just do it and forget about. If you focus on the team effort rather than a score, you’ll get more accomplished and be happier together in the long run.

3. Plans are for Boring People.

Every time I’ve settled into the latest life transition- be it baby, job, or location- Mike loses his job and we move… It’s not his fault. It’s just the nature of the industry in which he works… which also happens to be his passion. He loves what he does and he is so very talented at it. So, I support him fully in his endeavors.

Oh, hahahaha! If only that were true. It sounded nice though, didn’t it?

Okay, it’s partially true. My husband IS living his dream and he IS good at it. Three moves in eighteen months proves that I am supportive. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that it is hard to be married to a job that is as demanding and unpredictable as his. It’s been the biggest source of stress in our lives, but in a way, it’s also helped us cut the excess…

If you asked me seven years ago where I would be living today, I probably would have named a suburb of Dallas. If I had gotten my way, our son would never have had a chance to learn that “lorry” is another word for “truck”, and an afternoon on the beach wouldn’t be a feasible alternative to heading to a neighbor park.

Full embrace the unexpected. If not, it will gobble you up.

4. Keep Laughing, Preferably at Yourselves.

We’ve been through a lot these past seven years. The moment we crack a joke about something, is the moment I know we’re going to get through it just fine.

Laughter is known to lower your stress and lift your spirits. It breaks the tension and helps keep things fun and fresh. Mostly, it distracts us from the world of suck we are likely about to endure…

5. Children Suck the Life Out of You and Your Marriage. (But then again, so does everything else)

There. I said it… and I don’t regret it because it is True! True! True!

There are numerous studies that have shown that the most stressful, and least satisfying years of marriage are those spent while raising young children. The sleep deprivation alone can crush a person. Add to that the constant going, going, going, the neediness, the noise, the intrusion, the mess… The constant worry that you’re not doing enough and you’re doing it all wrong.

What the studies tend to overlook is that this phase of life also happens to coincide with dual careers taking off, mortgages and bills eating up your savings, parents getting older… and it NEVER. SEEMS. TO. END.

Well, I have bad news for you. It doesn’t, so find a way to cope and get through it… together. Find something that beings joy to your whole family, then make time for one another—out of the house and away from it all. If you can’t get away, then make the time to have an uninterrupted conversation at home.

There are some night when things have gotten so out of hand that I’ve just bluntly told Mike, “I really need you to stay awake and talk to me tonight. It’s important.”

6. Always be Honest, but Don’t Always Talking About it.

The reason Mike and I hit it off so quickly and easily is that we both had nothing to lose. So from the very beginning, we were both painfully honest about everything. No games. No silent treatment. No pouty-pouts. No passive-aggressive digs.

If I’m mad, I tell him why. If I would like from him to do something, I just say so. If I’m stressed, I ask for his help.

While this system has worked marvelously for us, I’ve realized over the years that there are certain facts about our life that are never going to change and not worth another conversation about it. I’ve also learned that Mike is a better listener than go-to problem-solver. Where I tend to process things out loud, he would rather work things out in this mind… or maybe not at all.

Either way, I learned when to back off and just accept things as they are.

7. Remember Why You Fell in Love in the First Place

Taking the time to appreciate all of the things you love about your husband will remind you of why you married him in the first place. Pay attention to the little things and say “thank you” as often as possible. Everyone likes to feel appreciated.