It was only a matter of time before LIFE caught up with me.
Yesterday started off like any other day. I woke up refreshed, bright-eyed, and ready to face the day cursing the sun after another long night of “trying to get everything accomplished” (and failing miserably).
Mike had already left for work, so there wasn’t time for a proper breakfast between getting the kids fed, cleaned, and dressed. I managed to cram a handful of cereal and a few strawberries in my mouth before Lou started screaming to be left down from her highchair. I made myself a cup of tea, but I don’t recall even taking a sip.
A quicky shower and hair in a bun, I was out the door to run errands before it was time to feed the kids again.
Our first stop for the day was the library, which is where I started to feel the first waves of exhaustion but that’s not unusual these days…
Mike’s been back in “crunch mode” since… I didn’t even remember when. That’s six days a week of being gone before the kids get up and home after they’re supposed to be in bed. On the seventh day, he’s exhausted from working nonstop and I’m out of my mind frazzled from not having any help all week.
Day after day of cooking, cleaning, quibbling, screaming, crying, clinging, changing… rinse and repeat with no more than a 10 minute nap/break in between… but only if we’re in the car… and the radio is off… and the sun and moon are in the right coordinates.
Bedtime is a joke since that’s the ONLY time my children see their dad, so of course, they want to be AWAKE and LOUD and SCREAMY… but who can blame them? They miss seeing him too.
No where in that combination is “time for Mommy to sit down to a meal or sleep or be ALONE…” So, in other words, “irritable” barely scratches the surface of how I’ve been feeling. Unfortunately, it’s probably the nicest impression my children will have of me for years to come.
Yet, life goes on. There are extended trips to see family, weddings to attend, first birthday parties to plan, another school year ahead…
Yesterday (like every other day), I planned to just muscle through and get stuff done as best I could.
I took Scout to claim his Summer Reading Club prize from the librarian. Feeling lightheaded, I had to sit down with Lou while he picked out more books for the week. I faintly recall standing in the checkout line, because just as it was our turn the scariest, most helpless moment of my adult life happened.
My vision narrowed and I completely blacked out. Gripping tighter to Lou with one hand, I held on to the counter with the other until I regained my composure. Then the panic set in. I didn’t know whether I needed to poop or throw up. I didn’t know if I was hot or cold. I didn’t know how to ask for help.
Surrounded by strangers, do I just hand my kids over to another random mom while I run to the bathroom? Do I just start screaming, “Help, Help, Help” or “Call an ambulance”… but then what?
My head was still spinning as I walked out the double doors. My son, for whom every moment is the Spanish Inquisition, trailed behind asking, “Why are we leaving the library, Mommy? Where are we going next? Why do the doors open like that? What does AU-TO-MA-TI-CALLY mean? WHY? WHY? WHY?”
“Please stop talking,” I pleaded, “I think need to throw up. Can you just help me get to the car?”
And with that he took my hand, looked both ways, and led me across the street. Let me repeat. My FOUR YEAR OLD had to help me across the street.
Once in the car, I called Mike and told him to come home right away. I managed to drive home, which I would NOT have attempted had we not been so close via surface streets and midday traffic been so sparse. Scout entertained Lou until Mike arrived and I laid down for the rest of the day.
The next afternoon, I took the kids with me to see my doctor. A father to a four- and a two-year old, he listened all too sympathetically as I detailed everything that I’ve been doing and feeling the last year and a half of my life.
In fact, he was appalled at how much Mike has been working, in light of our total lack of support from family or friends… and the man’s been through med school and residency. GAH!
We talk about how toxic life in Silicon Valley can be, uber-competitive, expensive, and isolating. Yet it’s the person at home, alone, trying to keep the family together that pays the price. My head nearly fell off from nodding in agreement.
He ordered some tests to rule out some of the bigger, scarier stuff, but his main advice…
Get help or move far, far away from Silicon Valley. You cannot and should not do this alone. You need help!
Moving far, far away from Silicon Valley isn’t in the cards for us. At least, not today.
However, as soon as I find the right non-smoking, non-animal-sacrificing person to trust with the well-being of my children, I will be that rare breed of stay-at-home-mom with a cleaning service and a nanny. Doctor’s orders.
Prepare to hate me, Internet.
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Hang in there momma…..hope you are able to find the support you need.
Ugh, I can TOTALLY see that happening to me. For me, it’s just that it all sounds so dumb: laundry and feeding kids and keeping up with them. This stuff is not rocket science, but it’s sure as hell like running three back-to-back marathons every day. IT IS EXHAUSTING. I stayed home with Claire today and OMG GO TO BED ALREADY CLAIRE.
It’s HARD to say, “Everyone stop. I need some fricking HALP with this shit. I need AN HOUR to myself every day. Preferably more.”
I am not glad that you had a moment of panic at the library. But I AM glad that you’re going to throw some money at the problem and find the means to balance things out a bit more.
I read on a blog recently that the mom (author) felt like no matter how hard she tried to balance her life, balance always somehow found her. it was odd, this divine balance, and how it always seemed to work out.
I do not think this is true for me. If I do not actively and aggressively manage my time and resources in pursuit of the stupid-ass Magic Balance, it will not happen in my house.
Thinking of you. Call me if you need to scream. (Any time.)
xo
I can’t imagine doing all of it with two kids. Even one, with my husband working from home, seems so hard sometimes. I don’t know what I will do when he goes back to a real job, which he will probably have hours like Mike.
I am sure silicon valley is tough…esp. without family around. Know that I am thinking about you a couple thousand miles away!
I hope you are feeling better and are able to get the support you need soon! Good luck with finding a good sitter!
Good for you for getting the help you need! Life is different these days, and just because our parents could handle 2 or more kids at time doesn’t mean we can. There are just so many other factors at play that past generations didn’t have to deal with. And most of our parents had outside help. Be it from kind trusting neighbors, to other family members who lived close by.
My own mother will attest to the fact that 2 little ones is hard, and had she been able to do it over, I don’t think she would have had more than just me. She has often warned me NOT to have another baby till Alexa is older, because she knows how hard it was for her. She didn’t have any other family around when we were little. My father worked long hours, and we also managed a farm. It was really bad for her. I think the only saving grace for her (and for my brother, hehe) was that we did have some pretty close friends as neighbors that helped out with both of us.
If I had a another baby now I really don’t think I could handle it without some sort of nanny situation at least part time. Do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy.
Oh, and btw, I’ve had a similar thing happen to me…the passing out. It was years ago before I had a kid, but I ended up on the floor in a restaurant. A 6 hour blood test later…and it was revealed that I had hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). Make sure you eat enough mama!
Good luck!
any haters out there are merely jealous. plus, it will give you ample time to blog & that’s what’s really important.
hopefully you’ll be recovered in time for Bloggy Boot Camp. I’m excited to meet you!
hope you found your help!!! I just moved to California from Alberta,Canada… straight from the prairie and a grain farm to the hustle n bustle of California… its a huge huge adjustment for me and it must be worse for you having kids, to boot… stay tough:)
i am so sorry it sucks right now. =(
it is just so HARD. parenting is a two-person (at least!) job and wow when that other one is out until all hours keeping the roof over your head it can be a doozy. i hope now that scout is in school you can get a few moments of peace and recapture that joy i know you’re missing. i also hope that nothing big and scary comes up on your blood test. um and that you find some real people to be friends with – they HAVE to exist. they MUST. hear me, Universe? haha no really, life is not meant to be lived alone. a nanny will give you some quiet, but for peace you need community. and hot steamy makeout sessions with your knight in shining khakis.