It’s hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I felt like a mom, since I can no longer recall the time when I wasn’t one. Even before those two little pink lines confirmed that everything just changed, I thought about my children constantly–what kind of mom would I be to them, what would they look like, would I stay home or keep working, what kind of people did I dream of them becoming…
Before my children existed they were real to me, so there were no huge cognitive shifts, blind leaps, or convincing required. Since becoming a mother, my life’s been filled with gradual changes, little shifts in thinking, minor adjustments here and there, but I can’t think of a singular, monumental “this is the moment” in becoming a mother. I’ve wanted this for so long that it just seems… Right.
While motherhood may have been a natural progression for me, it seemed to be more of an abrupt jolt for everyone else in my life. With far fewer martinis being spilled on dance floors as I started spending my nights in, certain friends stopped calling or cut me out all together. People who I thought would be in my life forever stopped being as interested in me once I became pregnant, and I suppose, I in them. On the other hand, I’ve seen strong alliances built around the shared experience of picky eaters, tantrums, sleep deprivation, and Gymboree classes.
I once asked a friend, the father of a then preschool-aged girl, what was the biggest surprise about parenthood to him.
“The constant buzzing in your head,” he said. “No matter where you are or what you are doing, in part of your brain there will always be running ‘Where’s my kid? Where’s my kid? Where’s my kid? Is she okay? Is she hungry? Is she safe? Where’s my kid? Where’s my kid? Where’s my kid?’”
I laughed at the time, but a year later, as I cradled my newborn son, I understood for myself that the buzzing is real and it truly never stops. From that moment on, my life was not my own. Whatever I’m doing, whatever I’m thinking, and every choice I make revolves around my children.
I can’t even tell you what used to fill that space in my brain. Advanced math? A foreign language? Remembering… stuff?
Every once in a while, I’ll see glimmers of my former self. There have been girls’ weekends away or a day spent shopping on my own. Every once in awhile, I’ll join a friend for a night of clubbing, which incidentally has always feel ridiculous. On one such occasion, I offered to be the designated driver so my friend could fully celebrate her birthday. (How very “mumsy” of me. I know!)
As we made our way to the club with me behind the wheel, the single girls in the back kept yelling, “Can’t you drive any FASTER? Ugh, you’re such a MOM.”
“Why, Yes. Yes, I am,” I told them and kept the car a reasonable speed to make sure I stayed that way.
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It’s still “All About the Bump” Month! Eight bloggers and I have teamed up to spend a whole month talking about moms and babies- sharing stories, tips, and the wonderful products that have helped us through those wonderful (albeit hazy) first few months.
Read the other Bump Bloggers stories about when they first felt like a mom and be sure to enter our fantastic Bump Basket giveaway worth over $1,000. With nine bloggers each having a basket to giveaway, it’s like nine times as many chances to win.
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Love being “Such a Mom!” Happy Belated Mother’s Day!