Clicking through my “drafts” folder, I found one dated April 13, 2010. It read:
She quit on me. Just like that. No warning. No advance notice.
My milk supply being what it is (read: SUCKY, pun intended), my days as moo cow ended with little fanfare.
My daughter was eights months old– a full three months older than my son was when he stopped nursing. To this day, I can still feel the the mix of relief, mourning, and failure in those words.
This was the first of an endless series of “my baby’s not a baby anymore” moments. While it was a relief that she took to baby food so well and wasn’t so totally dependent on me for her nutrition anymore, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat despondent about it as well. I planned to nurse each of my children for the “requisite” year, but my milk supply just could not sustain it. I had also planned to have dramatic, but natural birth. Following two c-sections, I loathed my body’s inability to do the very thing it was biologically meant to do– have and feed my children.
I remembered hugging my son a little tighter as I fed him his bottles to make up for the extra “love” I assumed he wasn’t getting because I could not nurse him. I’ve beat myself up for years, blaming my poor milk supply on my tired, fat body, my decision to go back to work, and about a hundred other things.
I had better luck with nursing my daughter, but I think it was because I no longer had that expectation of getting it right… and I had the privilege of staying home. I made my own nursing cover and nursed on demand- everywhere and anywhere, but even that wasn’t enough.
Breastfeeding was painful. It was embarrassing and awkward. For me, there was only one natural element about it and it was the moments of closeness and tenderness that it brought. Oh my goodness, I was going to miss those moments so much! I loved the “you and me”- ness and having to stop everything to take the time to just focus on one another. Even if I did have to supplement with formula immediately afterwards, I am grateful to have experienced those moments with both of my children.
In looking back on my nursing experience as a whole, I realize now that it wasn’t quantity they really needed. It was the quality.
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This post kicks off the third week of “All About the Bump” Month! Eight bloggers and I have teamed up to spend a whole month to talk about all things moms and babies.
We’ve shared some heartfelt stories and wonderful companies who have help us along the way. Read the other Bump Bloggers stories about their nursing experience here.
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Awwww! Great post. I know how you feel.