What I Learned From a ‘Tiger Mom’

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The last thing the world needs is yet another rebuttal to Amy Chua’s Wall Street Journal article, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior". 

Since it hit the publication on January 8th, the Internet, radio, television, and even my moms groups have been a buzz about it. To date, it is the single most popular article in Wall Street Journal Online history, garnering 7,887 comments (reported as of March 8. 2011).

Over on ShePosts, Kim Tracey Prince, compiled a wrap-up of criticisms and praise of “Tiger Mom” across the blogosphere. It’s clear that most of the chatter is from people who have not read the book, since they seem to cite the same three stories featured in the WSJ piece. This is fine since I have no intention of reading this book either. At least, not now…

(The best coverage so far, from people who have read the book, is Slate Magazine’s Double X Gabfest’s Audio Book Club.)

Sitting at brunch with two other Asian-American moms a few weeks ago, I mentioned Amy Chua and we all just shook our heads and asked, “What’s the big deal? That’s how I was raised and I’m AWESOME!”

I can shrug and laugh about this now because both my parents and I have come full circle. They’ve mellowed and I’ve become more understanding and appreciative. I’ve also made the decision to parent differently.

Besides, I’ve been told all my life that I never had it as bad as my mom and dad did… also, I’m not nearly as respectful/talented/ accomplished/beautiful as… I bring SHAME!

It was really funny to find out in adulthood that those same people were being compared to me. 

I will admit that my first response to Chua’s article was revulsion, no doubt due to the post traumatic stress from my own stereotypical “first-generation” upbringing… This is why it’s taken me to so long to respond (maybe even to the point of irrelevance).

As much as I resisted my parents’ ways, I can’t deny how resilient it made me. It took many, many years for me to get to this place. So, what’s another two months in trying to make sense of it all?

In the end, if I can find the positives in my parents’ philosophies, I can find the positives in Amy Chua’s.

Here are four that immediately come to mind:

1. Pay more attention to my kids.

At a parent-teacher conference, my son’s preschool teacher handed me a checklist titled: “What My Child Need To Know For Kindergarten”.

My first thought which I did NOT voice was, “Hmm, isn’t this your job as his teacher?” (smirk)  The answer is, “No, that’s MY job as his mom”. As wonderful and interested as my kids’ teachers are, I’m the only  true advocate for them.

While it’s easier to leave education to the schools, I’m the only one that knows what they’re capable of accomplishing and can push for things to be better. 

2. Teaching my kids to stick with it.

One of the things I am in awe of when it comes being a “tiger mom” is the amount of TIME it takes. Sitting down with my preschool-aged son to work on something as basic as his letters or numbers can just be so excruciating…. for both of us. 

He could be working diligently and perfectly as can be while I stand over him, but the minute I slip out of the room to retrieve my daughter from her nap or go to the bathroom, he starts drawing on the walls…. sigh

Focus, unfortunately, doesn’t come naturally. It has to be practiced and… as I ache to check my Blackberry… modeled.

3. Belief in my own parenting style.

Many wonder how Amy Chua could shamelessly parent the way that she did… much less write a BOOK about it. I think, of course she can!  Why not?

Here is someone who believes in her parenting style regardless of the critics, but openly admits that it sometimes failed her. No one’s perfect, but we all have to adopt what works for our family. Also, there will never be an end to critics. Whatever you’re doing, someone will tell you it’s wrong.

I too have made the decision to parent differently from the “norm”, not because it’s how I was or wasn’t raised, but because it’s what’s in my family’s best interest.

4. Appreciation for the immigrant experience. (Translation: Respect for other world views)

We moved to Northern California two years ago, where there is a huge Asian population and many varieties, at that. When I fill out forms for my kids’ schools, there are checkboxes for Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Filipino, Vietnamese…. CHECK ALL THAT APPLY! 

Within my own neighborhood, there are people of many different cultures- European, Muslim, Jewish, Indian, etc. I love that my children are growing up in and among the world, and all without ever having to step past our front door.

So different from my childhood in Texas, where I was one of… maybe FIVE other Filipinos in school (I was related to two of them) and routinely asked, “What type of Mexican, are ya?”  It was difficult to find anyone who could relate to having such strict and foreign parents. Even among family friends (other Filipinos), we never really discussed it since we were so used to downplaying it.

I love my home state, but it’s beautiful to be able to show my kids that other ideas exist. We don’t all come from the same place, but we can all live together just fine. 

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