Whenever I hear another mom talk about her “perfect” baby, I want to punch her in the throat… but I can’t.
For many reasons, of course, but mainly because I used to BE that mom.
Oh yes, my first born was (and in many ways still is) such an easy kid.
One of those mythical self-schooled self-soother, he started sleeping through the night (and in his crib) at six weeks old. He never had colic or reflux or any of those miserable things. He napped on a schedule, ate with gusto, and was content to play on his own.
He made motherhood a dream and I naturally took all of the credit. Mistaking luck for competence, I floated on my cloud of maternal perfection, brightly dispensing advice and comfort to others.
I had it ALL figured out.
Now before you try to punch ME in the throat, let me assure you that I have had of my comeuppance in the form of my second child.
She has taken everything I know… er, thought I knew about motherhood… and wiped that smug look off my face with it.
I don’t know if she’s necessarily more demanding than any other typical newborn or if I was just unprepared to handle a child who’s allergic to napping and so needy of constantly being held. However, I do know that my bad feelings and stress aren’t entirely her fault.
I was three months pregnant when we moved to California, leaving behind a great support system of family and friends in both Texas and London. By the time, Lou was born I had plenty of ” casual acquaintances”, but still no real friends nearby (despite all of my best attempts…)
Fortunately, family members were able to stay with us while I recovered from my c-section. I was very grateful for that, but shortly after they left, Mr. D started putting in more hours at work.
The late nights piled on top of early mornings, and eventually weekends as well. Feeling helpless and isolated, I was left on my own to figure out how to manage to two kids and a household with absolutely no down time.
Did I mention… NEVER NAPS?
Then again, how could she? On the random occasion that I could successfully get her to calm down and close her eyes, along comes Scout with a cow bell I could have SWORN I burned and buried just the day before.
Eventually, the housework didn’t just slide. It completely fell off the radar. Mr. D tried to help as much as he could when he was home, but since that was rare, it really wasn’t much help at all.
I hardly slept. I barely ate. I cried a lot. (So did the kids.) My body ached from nursing on demand and carrying Lou everywhere, but it was either that or listen to her screaming. Lou’s screaming alone wouldn’t have been so terrible. I would have even let her cry it out, if her crying hadn’t also triggered an equal or greater response from Scout…
“I. DON’T. LIKE. THE. BABY. CRYING,” he would howl over her. Then she would cry louder. He would scream louder until I plugged her with a boob and distracted him with TV…
At Lou’s four month check-up, I reached out to our pediatrician. When I told him that there were times when I just wanted to wrap the car around a tree just so screaming would stop, he basically told me, “She’s a baby. Babies cry. DUH. Besides, girls are more high maintenance… “
Although it probably would have be a tremendous comfort, I didn’t have the desire or energy to reach out to friends from home. I talked to them so infrequently that when I did, the I last thing I wanted to do was dwell on the negative.
As for my online friends… There were so many nights when I sat brain-dead in front of my computer, wanting to pour my soul out onscreen, but I would get overwhelmed and end up saying nothing at all.
Other nights, I would actually write something, but would hesitate to “publish” only to wake up the next day to learn of a massive earthquake hitting Haiti or read about someone who just lost a job, a home, a child to cancer…
Then I felt like a total a-hole for complaining about my two healthy children, my gainfully employed husband, and our four intact walls.
These past few months, the word “failure” has loomed heavily on my mind. There are just so many people in the world dealing with far more challenging things than having a newborn and a three-year-old, yet here I was falling apart over it.
“Your sister-in-law has THREE kids and her husband is never home. If she can do it all on her own and never complain, surely you can handle this…” Mr.D’s mom says to me quite frequently.
I believe what she means is, “You can do it! I know you can,” but to me, the message comes across more like, “Stop whining. Why are you such an effing moron? Why can’t you handle this? Everyone else can.”
Then my other sister-in-law sends me a note via Facebook about how she never had any help either. Even though that’s a complete farce, it sets the tenor for how well received my “weakness” is among family.
On the other hand, I have one younger sister in full-on wedding mode and another having her own issues with life. Neither one has kids. So the only person I could vent to was my mom, who offered me the same “advice” she offers for just about everything.
“You need to pray and offer you suffering to Jesus…blah, blah, blah….prayer…. blah,blah, blah…. Jesus.”
I assured her that I have prayed. Oh, how I have prayed… and wept… giant sorrowful tears beside my daughter’s crib, begging for help, begging for mercy, begging that she… Just. Fall. Asleep.
It’s not as if I expected angels to fly down and wipe my kids’ butts (although that would help tons. Thanks.) When I prayed, it was always for more patience, a bit of clarity, a second wind… In other words, things that never came.
“MOTHER, prayer is not working! What can I DO?” I would yell over the phone.
Weary of my blasphemy (and probably regretting the twelve years of Catholic school, followed by four years of private Catholic university that she funded), she finally offered some advice I could use.
“Maybe you should stop expecting help to come,” she said and just like that I went from feeling helpless to feeling hopeless.
So in case you’ve been wondering why I haven’t been updating my blog so much these past few month…
This is where I’ve been.
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So sorry to hear that things have been rough. That doctor should be shot. Babies don’t cry all the time and girls are not more needy. You are having a really really rough time. Hang in there and hopefully it will get better with time. I’ll never forget how bad the sleepless nights were with twin newborns. It sucked big time. Things are getting better. Sleep happens at night, but other times can be tough. I am very lucky to have help. I hope people stop just acting like you aren’t having a tough situation.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Baby Food, Schedules and Nicknames =-.
I think most parents have moments of feeling hopeless. I know I’ve dreamed about running out the door on more than 1 occasion. It’s not easy. No parent, despite what they may tell you, has it easy. And I don’t know your situation, every kid is different, so I don’t have any advice to give. But it sounds like the “advice” you’ve been given by your family hasn’t been so great. All I can say is hang in there. If you need a minute, let her cry. Let them both cry. Lock yourself in the bathroom and breathe if you need to.
And you’re right, my 2 older boys have been nothing compared to my daughter. Girls are definitely more high maintenance.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Feet First =-.
It really bugs me when people compare me, themselves, etc to others. As in, “well, if you think you’ve got it bad, then think about so and so…” Seriously, that’s no help. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. A few weeks ago I was lamenting via FB about my crazy few weeks, which included my son’s emergency appendectomy, and a “friend” commented that at least I wasn’t her because of blah blah blah…
Everyone is different, every situation is different. And just because someone had it one way and didn’t complain (at least not verbally) or seemed to have it harder than you, doesn’t mean they really did.
I do hope it gets easier for you. One things for certain, kids are our greatest joy and our toughest times.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..PSF and the Euro =-.
Oh Grace,
I’m so sorry. I wondered how you were doing as even though I don’t “know” you, I did notice the drop off in tweets and blogging. We had our babies around the same time so I wondered if you were okay.
And I don’t really swear but that doctor is a complete jack ass. Seriously. Does he not know anything at all? Ugh. I’m so sorry you got that reaction from him. I went to my doctor at Jude’s 4 month and said I was willing to go on drugs if need be (I was having suicidal thoughts in the middle of the night when both boys were screaming and all I wanted was some blessed sleep). While we both determined drugs were not necessary for me, it was nice to get some sort of comfort and support from her other than “Babies cry.”
What an ass.
I can’t imagine what my transition to 2 kids would have been like if I had had Jude first instead of Noah (Jude is/was definitely an easy baby. Noah, he was probably average with a side of extreme Mommy attachment).
Anyway, I’m so sorry you have no good friends or support nearby. My friend is moving to SoCal in a month – she’s just had her 2nd child in July and is stellar. Not sure where you are, but if that’s near you, email me.
Thanks for being honest. It’s hard. I hope things go UP from here for you.
.-= Vanessa´s last blog ..Child-like joy! =-.
I understand. OH MY HELL DO I UNDERSTAND.
There are days when I feel so inadequate and so unable to deal with even the simplest of tasks that I break down and cry and take deep breaths and then…I still don’t feel better and the stress and anxiety are literally suffocating me into a state of paralysis where all I can do is sit quietly in the dark after bedtime and let me thoughts melt into the internet.
And then, when it starts all over again with her first mid-night wail, I’m propelled into that state of “ON” and “ALWAYS RESPONSIBLE” again.
Being married to men with big deadlines is hard. It’s really hard with no support system.
You are doing amazing Grace. Really. I am not getting pregnant right now, because even THINKING about two children is too much for me. THINKING about having another kid in nine months fills me with a distinct feeling of dread. I don’t know how I would do it and not require medication. And, I say that with the utmost seriousness.
I owe you a phone call and an email. I know. I’M SORRY!
But as long as everyone’s belly is full and the house isn’t burned down, in my book, you win.
xo
.-= A’Dell´s last blog ..Yep, we accidentally moved into a snobby neighborhood =-.
PS Your pediatrician sounds like an asshole.
.-= A’Dell´s last blog ..Yep, we accidentally moved into a snobby neighborhood =-.
I agree with everyone on the ped thing. He’s a jerk. Your extended family isn’t earning any points w/ me either…I wish I actually knew you in for real person and also that I didn’t live three thousand miles away. I hate that you are going through this.
Babies do cry, but they don’t have to do it ALL the time and you are right to feel the way that you do. It’s going to get better…and also? Not only can you do this, you ARE doing this. Probably better than you want to give yourself credit for.
You know those minivan commercials where the lady is hanging out in the driveway watching movies in the van? I used to let Carly do that when Bree was screaming her head off for no apparent reason and Carly was yelling about how annoying it was. We’ll be thinking of you either way.
Oh do I ever feel for you. I just want to come over and give you a big hug and then clean your house for you. I hated feeling like that! I hated feeling like I only had one…plenty others do better with TWO at the same time! I hate feeling like one of the reasons I don’t want another is because I’m afraid I might drive off a bridge if things ended up this bad again. We had a pretty tough year…so please please please if you need to talk, I’m here.
I’m really truly sorry your family isn’t offering you support. I’m sorry, but I would have drop kicked my MIL if she said something like that. You’re a better person than I for not seeing it so badly.
((hugs))
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Anti Depressant =-.
I’m so so sorry. I’m also quite scared!
We have one of those perfect little babes, stories of less-than perfect second babies are coming at me thick and fast!
I really hope things ease up for you at home. I’m sure your baby feels so loved, the only reason you feel bad is because you’re working so hard to be the best mum you can be.
I only discovered your blog recently and I was in SF when you were in London and now I’m in London when you’re in the Bay Area…drats!
Of course you need help! I cannot believe that everyone’s response to you is to just suck it up and not complain because so-and-so never did and they had it worse.
Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone feels things differently. Right now you need support! Even if all someone can do is listen and let you vent, that is better than being condescending. Having a real helping hand would be better of course, but we are here to listen. So don’t ever feel like what you have to say is not important enough. You have feelings and you are entitled to talk about them and not be judged for them. Even though it may be difficult to find the time, I know we are all here waiting, so write down whatever you want, and we will support you!
Oh, Grace, I am so sorry. Both of my babies were crap sleepers and wanted to be held all the time — and my second born was much worse. I remember frantically consulting the phone book (who uses phone books?!) at 2 a.m. looking for a baby nurse. There are no baby nurses where I live! Which I totally knew before I opened the phone book. I didn’t mind waking up to nurse him. I minded THEN spending an hour or more trying to get him back to sleep. It sucked and no amount of “It’ll get better soon” or “try this” or “why don’t you do that” helped. Wish I could be there to cuddle that baby or do your laundry or SOMETHING.
.-= mayberry´s last blog ..Mayberry Get Smart – Day 4, App Happy =-.
Ugh. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. What you’re doing is HARD. I feel ya about how hard it is to parent in a new place. It’s hard. (and I’d dare to bet your SIL wasn’t parenting almost solo in a new place). Everything is harder– it’s hard not to have close friends around, it’s hard to figure out what to do and where to get stuff in a new place, it’s freaking hard in the first place to even leave the house with a newborn, let alone a newborn and a toddler. It’s hard to get everyone enough quality sleep. You’re doing awesome if everyone’s getting food, drink and a semblance of cleanliness– this is a rough spot. Survival, not perfection, is the goal.
The doctor sounds so. not. helpful, btw. Do you feel like the baby has an issue to diagnose? Could you try another doctor? Also, have you mentioned this with your own doc? You could have something going on, too… It might be worth a check up if only to cross that off the list and give you a better idea of how to tackle this “other side of perfect.”
So, it really sucks that you don’t have your support system in place (yet). That sucks. It really does. My heart hurts for you that you’re getting told to stop expecting help. Never in history have we expected one parent to be able to instantly parent with gusto in a brand new place of the globe all on her own while her partner has to be willing to pick up and move to new places and then work long long hours away from home. It’s a ridiculous standard. But you CAN expect some help to come. If you can swing it, hire some help with the cleaning and then hire some childcare help. If a regular cleaning is too much for your budget, just a single deep cleaning would help you feel like you’re caught up. Even a mother’s helper would be awesome– even if only to get you down to some one-on-one with each kid. Clearly you don’t need anyone’s permission let alone mine but if it makes you feel better you have my blessing to expect (hired) help to come! Everyone with a paid job at least gets lunch and coffee breaks– get yourself some time off. A couple hours a day or week or whatever feels right will help.
.-= kenandbelly´s last blog ..Somewhere over… =-.
Oh, honey! I think we can all relate. Something about that second kid just makes things way more difficult. And, believe me, I know what you mean about help. We don’t have any either, and if I hear any more complaints from a certain relative with family across.the.street…grrr.
Maybe you can find something new that works for little A. She’s old enough to cry it out. Maybe require two stents at an hour or 1.5 hours each and lay her down. Let what ever happens happen.
And, I promise you this. It gets better. It’s coming so soon. That first year was really hard, too.
Maybe a change in her diet? Maybe something is bothering her? I cut out all dairy and tomato from my diet and Natalie was a different baby.
I’ll be thinking about you and hoping you find some help.
Also, if you can get out for a walk or something (when you hubby gets home) and get some you time, it really helps.
.-= Krystyn´s last blog ..Mommy and Me Monday-The 6th Edition =-.
oh grace, i almost broke out in tears when you talked about not wanting to be negative when you get to talk to friends and not wanting to be ungrateful…but being at the end of your rope is at the end no matter what else someone else is going through. And just b/c someone else can “do it better with three kids” (malarky, btw!)…doesn’t make you less but i understand how it can seem that way.
i think you are a rockstar. And i am thinking of you while i have succombed to letting my baby nap on me…just b/c it is easier (i’ll admit i’m lazy).
.-= Alex´s last blog ..The Sigh =-.
Oh, honey…first I want to offer you some hugs. I know exactly what you feel. Isabella was {still is, lol} the child who needed constant holding. Wouldn’t sleep anywhere but my arms or curled up next to me. Cried–a lot. It was hard. So, so hard. It didn’t help that I had PPD, too…ugh.
Those days were hard–and with a GREAT support system I got through it. I hated hearing about the perfect child. I cried…I thought nobody understood…but there are some of us that understand, hun. Vent away and email me any time, okay? Seriously–just shoot me an email and if you ever need to call someone just ask me for my #. I am here for you always.
xoxo
.-= Chelle´s last blog ..What are YOU Reading? =-.