My sweet baby girl is a week old today, so this was supposed to be a post about the crazy, hazy first few days with a newborn. The round-the-clock feedings, sleep deprivation, diaper, diapers, diapers…
Oh, haha! If only life could be such a cliche.
Within 24 hours of giving our girl the grand tour of the house, I found myself back in the hospital. This time in the ER sobbing like a… well, a baby in the middle of the night.
When we came home on Saturday afternoon, I was still sore, but not exactly where you’d expect from a c-section. The nurses and docs kept insisting that it was just muscles healing and organs shifting back into place, blah, blah, blah… but I knew that something wasn’t right.
Still, I was so eager to get home and start taking care of my children (plural !!!) that I was willing to just get through it… with a little help from my friend, Mr. Hydrocodone, of course.
By Sunday evening, the pain got worse. I started shaking uncontrollably and spiked a high fever. At my mom’s insistence, Mr. D drove me to the ER. I protested the whole way…
“I’ll be FINE. This is so silly, I just need to rest in my own bed…”
Well, I’m glad no one listens to me, because I was NOT fine. Tests were run and it was discovered that there was a complication from the surgery. It’s something UNUSUAL, but not uncommon.
It HAPPENS (to me…) and the only thing that can be done about it is to take it easy and get plenty of rest… which totally works when you have a newborn and a 3 year old at home, right?
So here’s the fall out…
1. Now it’s supposed to take twice as long for me to recover from the c-section… far longer than the help I’ve enlisted from my parents and Mr. D’s mom.
Pushing myself too fast, too soon and I could risk a rupture… totally unbeknownst to me because all of my lady organs are… um, INSIDE. I would simply bleed internally, pass out, and DIE.
2. I was put on two different antibiotics to prevent further complications. While that’s a good thing, in practice, I’m not supposed to breastfeed while I’m on them… annnnnnnnnd CUE THE WEEPING!
I stopped nursing Scout when he was just five months old and I’ve never gotten over it.
The stress of being a new mom, the stress of going back to work, and the stress of leaving work proved too much…well, stress. Plus my milk supply was never that great to begin with…
I’ve always blamed it on the very first bottle of formula I let them give Scout at the hospital.
I was so delirious from a full day and a half of labor, followed by an emergency c-section that I didn’t feel strong enough to hold, much less attempt to feed my baby, but he was just. so. hungry.
After that, it seemed harmless to “supplement”… you know, until I felt better.
In spite of having a supportive boss, a private place to pump at work, and all the love and support, I never could keep up with the demand. I’ve never felt like more of a failure and have hated my stupid useless boobs for it every day since.
Of course, it doesn’t help that every parenting rag… er, mag, billboard, PSA, and smug playgroup mommy not so much touts the benefits of breastfeeding. Rather, they like to tell you all the horrible things that will befall your child if you DON’T breastfeed for a year or MORE. For instance…
“Babies who aren’t breastfeed are more likely to develop asthma…”
“Breastfeeding reduces SIDS, obesity, leukemia… “
“Bottle feeding destroys the environment and increases health care costs!”
“Formal was made for selfish bitches!”
Yeah, just consider my guilt COMPOUNDED.
Breastfeeding is something I really, really, really wanted to get RIGHT this time. So being told that I can’t… while sitting on an ER bed at 3 am…
“It’s only for a week,” the doc reassured, but considering it took so little to knock me off the wagon with Scout, a week could mean never.
I’ve been pumping every two to three hours to keep my milk supply up while I’m on the antibiotics. I hate pumping. Is there anything more demeaning?
Also, it KILLS me every time I have to pump (and dump) because it’s precious, precious hard-won milk going down the drain, but I have to remind myself that it’s poison for my daughter. Although that doesn’t really bring me much comfort, because… again… I’m pumping POISON.
Hello, Darkness. My old friend.
Uhhh… in case you’ve ever wondered what a “hospital-grade” pump looks like, here ya go!
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Oh man, I am so sorry this first week isn’t going well. The most important thing you have to remember is that your children need YOU. Happy, healthy YOU. So take care of yourself. Don’t worry about breastfeeding or formula. Believe me, I’ve done it both ways and there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula.
Oh, Grace! Hugs, hugs, hugs for you (the very gentle kind that won’t disturb your stitches or bump you too hard!). What happened with Avery doesn’t necessarily predict what will happen with Lou. It sounds like your pumping schedule is helping you to build a good supply. and that you’re doing everything you can. Couple that with Lou’s weight (which I’m assuming comes with a supply-demand that is not impossible to produce!)(the little cutie patootie! IMHO 6 lb girls are perfect but I’m totally, ridiculously biased on that one because mine was that weight) and you have a promising equation for a great, sustaining bfing relationship.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Grace. Hang in there. But remember whatever you decide, Lou will be fine. When you line up a bunch of 3 year olds you can’t pick the nursed ones from the formula ones!
Hopefully with a little patience and effort, Ansely will latch right on and this week will just be a bad nursing memory!
Ohhhh I’m so sorry this is happening! It makes me wish I actually knew you in person and lived close enough to come over and give you a hug. That pump looks really scary, but hopefully it will keep your body producing enough so at the end of this week not only will you be healthy but Lou can nurse!
It may not feel like the time to say it, but just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of such a beautiful girl. But I’m so sorry this happened and crazy enough, the same exact thing happened to me after the birth of my daughter–we were sent home after the birth for 24 hours before having to get an ambulance (!) to the hospital and were stuck there for a week. It was hell and just wanted to send prayers and hugs and I know how you’re feeling! Do what you can with the breastfeeding, but try not to give yourself hell for it. You are the most incredible mom Lou could ever have, bottles or not. It is really sad that a movement designed to help women has made so many feel alienated and guilty and like complete failures. Please know you are a wonderful mom whichever way you go and those who judge you aren’t really the kind of mother you would want to be anyway. Really hope you are feeling better soon!
I feel for you so much on the breastfeeding thing. I myself had to give in to formula with my first for a myriad of reasons, including my own health. And I know how hard it is to give up the dream of nursing. But YOU are not there yet and hopefully once you are able to nurse again things will go smoothly for you and baby. Keeping my fingers crossed for you…
Hope YOU are doing better…
Oh no! I am so sorry. (And nope, I’d never seen a hospital grade pump. Yikes.) You’re doing everything you can to preserve your breastfeeding relationship–be proud of yourself for that, no matter the eventual outcome.
i’m so sorry for you…
my daughter was given the bottle too in her first few days because she couldn’t latch on properly. but, thank God she ended up nursing from me with no problem…
so maybe that will happen with you and Lou… and pls don’t feel bad abt not nursing her (easier said than done, I know) but its for the best.
like the others who’ve left comments before me… you need to care for yourself.. to be well enough to care for the children.
take care!
(and i’d refuse to pump milk using THAT machine. i’d stick to my own pump, hahahahah)
I didn’t breastfeed BG and she came out fine. The nurses totally freaked me out in the hospital and I just gave up and did formula. I was determined with LM but I couldn’t get him to latch on. I pumped 4-8 times a day for 11 1/2 months (36+ oz a day). It was still just as rewarding and I cried when I was told for medical reasons I couldn’t do it anymore. Good luck and I hope you start feeling better soon.
Oh and a secret with the pump…do not crank it up to high, it’s like your boob freaks out and won’t produce milk. The lower you do it on the more milk that will come out. On my medela pump I would keep it on the 2-3 and I got the 36+ oz a day. Good luck.
wow, what a nightmare! back in california on the 18th — happy to help in any way! (and since i ain’t got no job, I’ve got some time on my hands!)
just lemme know!
k
Oh hun, I feel for you. I HATED my hospital grade pump…but my god does yours look like a torture device! I hope you’re feeling MUCH better and that this whole ordeal didn’t screw things up too badly.
Doctors ALWAYS insist that nipple confusion won’t be an issue, but it totally was in our case. I hope yours turns out different.
(If not, I have all the info on nipple shields that you’ll never want to hear, lol).
and @ Midwest Mommy – I’m totally going to try that trick tonight…I kinda thought that might be the case when I pumped more in like 5 minutes with a hand-pump than my hospital grade one ever got, and more than most times with my Medela PIS.