Category: Reflection

Last December, I reflected on the 11 things my life doesn’t need in 2011 as part of #reverb10. Here they are again in no particular order: Wishing for my old life back, Perfection, Energy Sucks, “Yes”, Fear, Worry, Stuff, Other People’s Issues, Wishing instead of Doing, Bulk, and Hurry.

How did I do?

Fear and Worry are a given when you’re a parent… and a human being. It’s what drives and motivates us. They are inescapable, but I did make an effort in 2011 to not let them rule my life entirely. Mostly, it had to do with not reacting, but instead, thinking through what is and is not a valuable outcome.

Perfection, Energy Sucks, and Other People’s Issues were easy to ditch in 2011. I just didn’t have the time! I was too busy doing (instead of wishing) and attempting to move my own life forward.

I still have an issue with saying “Yes” to too many things, but the difference was that the “yes” was more often something for us—volunteering at the kids’ schools,  putting in more effort at my moms’ group, finding interesting projects, etc. I’ve discovered that “yes” to things that enrich our lives is a thousand times more satisfying than a “yes” to win someone’s love and approval.

I will always wish for my old life back, but not in the same sense. There are a lot of things that I miss from when I used to be some place I thought I would be forever and ever– a sense of community, a sense of belonging. In many ways, we have found those things here. In other ways, we have not.

I found myself less attached to Stuff, as evidenced by my massive end-of-year clean out of the garage and closets. All of the girl clothes went to my best friend’s infant daughter. All of the boy clothes went to my cousin’s two sons. The rest were dropped off at Goodwill. I also made an effort to purchase less in 2011, and instead spend more on experiences with the kids—activities, day trips, museum passes.

Excessive Bulk and Hurry are things I am (unfortunately) carrying with me into 2012. I just have to keep working at it.

It was more difficult to come up with a list of “12 things my life doesn’t need in 2012″, since the very first things I could think of are squarely NOT within my control. For instance, “surprises” (not the fun kind)…  2011 was going well enough until the very, very end. Then *smack*… SURPRISE!

On that note, I would also love do away with uncertainty, instability, and frustration.  Don’t we all.

So rather than coming up with 12 things I don’t need in 2012, I decided to focus on 12 things I want to accomplish in 2012. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Complete my blog redesign. Yes, the same blog redesign that I teased you with months ago. The project was put on hold because I got busy and overwhelmed. I hoped to have it ready before 2012… Now, I hope to have it done by the end of the month.

2. Take a photography class. Per my Tech Resolutions in 2012… It’s either this or improve my Photoshop skills.

3. Set limits on my work. 2011 was the year of the 24/7 work week. Yet, I ended the year feeling as if I had accomplished NOTHING and let everyone down. How does that work? Well, I was constantly chasing after projects and to-do lists, then staying up until the breaking point to complete them. I was so crazy exhausted that I never did anything very well.

One of my goals in 2012 is to set aside dedicated work hours and dedicated non-work hours. There will be days when my computer stays shut and my phone will be used as…a phone. I owe it to my family. I owe it to myself.

4. Focus on a single meaningful project.  Drop the things that have been holding me back. Do the things that move me forward.

5. Exercise regularly. If only for the alone time…

6. Reading for pleasure. Writing for fun. 

7. Create family rituals. Friday movie night. Saturday bike ride. Sunday dinner. Whatever it is, I want there to be one thing that our family does together once a week.

8. Take the time to be a good wife. Seven years doesn’t seem like very long time to be married, especially since our parents’ marriages are going strong at 30+ and 40+ years. Yet, the past few years of my marriage have been tough for a variety of reasons. Yet, there have been glimmers and moments when I remember why I fell in love with Mike in the first place.  Actually, there are glimmers and moment every single day. I’ve just been too busy to notice… In 2012, I want more glimmers and moments.

9. Reclaim my faith. As much as the past few years have been a strain on my marriage, it has been doubly so for my faith.

10. Post my work goals in plain sight. It feels like cheating to list “making goals” as a goal, but taking the time to think through and really imagine what I want to accomplish professionally. What are these sleepless nights, deadlines, and endless hours all about? This is huge.

11. Start a Gratitude Project. I started one at the beginning of 2011, but let it fall by the way side.

12. Remember to smile and savor the moment.

What are the 12 things your life needs more of in 2012? How will you go about getting them? How will getting these things change your life?

"September 11 Anniversary Flag Hand Painted Upcycled Old Roofing Slate", by Michael Taylor, Etsy.com

On September 11, 2001, I was a senior at the University of Dallas, a small Catholic college and world and half way from New York City, Washington D.C., or  Shanksville, Pennsylvania. It could have been any other Tuesday morning. I was running late for my French class and probably eating breakfast on the way.

Class started at 9 AM, which would have made it 10 AM in New York- a full hour and fourteen minutes after the first plane hit the World Trade Center. Shortly after class began, a student worker from the Foreign Language Department ran into the room to say that second plane had hit the buildings.  He back a few minutes later to tell us there wast a third and fourth plane, but he didn’t have any other details other than that.

I had no idea what he was talking about, so my professor explained (in French) and dismissed us for the day. The story of what I thought she had said was a much funnier until I realized what she had actually said…  However when spoken in plain English, it didn’t make much sense either.

I rushed home to find my three roommates gathered around our tiny TV. We were all dumbfounded and in shock, but couldn’t pull ourselves away.

The first phone call I made was to my dad to ask if he had heard from his brother and sister, who both worked in Manhattan. He had and they were fine. I told him I loved him and  hung up. Then, at a loss from what to do next, I just went to my next class for the day even though I knew it would be canceled anyway. I just need some place to BE.

My college campus was within a few miles from DFW Airport. Over they years, I had grown accustom to the sounds of planes taking off and landing all day. As I walked back to campus, I was stunned by the silence. Even traffic seemed to be at a standstill as the entire world just watched and waited.

I don’t remember what  happened in the days that followed, but I know that some point life must have gone on.

Within the same month, I started an internship at the ad agency which would propel my career. I ended a three year relationship. I wrote my senior thesis on goal setting and accomplishment.

Yes, my life may have gone on, but I am no less shaken and confused but what happened that day. Every September 11th, I watch the memorials and news coverage and remember that day. I learn so much more about what really happened- the personal stories, the kids who were orphaned at birth, the people left behind.  As a mother and a wife, I have a deeper sense of their loss in a way that I did not as an unattached college student. I see so many lives which have not gone on. My thoughts and prayers are with them today.

Getting ready for the school year is easy for me. The long list of supplies, buying new uniforms and shoes, stocking the fridge with lunch items, scoping out the new teacher… These are just items to tick off my to-do list. Certainly nothing to get weepy and emotional about.

Then yesterday morning as I chided my son to eat faster so he won’t be late for camp… as I always do, it hit me.

He’s going to be in Kindergarten. My BABY is going to be in Kindergarten!

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was peering into a bassinet at the little person I just bore from my body?

Weak, dizzy, and in pain from my emergency c-section, I realized things are never going to go perfectly according to my plans ever again, but one thing was for certain. I love this tiny being so much that I would commit murder to protect him. Five years later, I’m somehow supposed to let him just grow up and leave me?

It’s such a paradox. You raise your children (hopefully) to be self-sufficient and independent adults. You expect that one day they will  lead lives of their very own, apart and away from you. Yet, in practice there’s a well of self-doubt making you want to rush in and take over at every step along the way.

It’s not like he hasn’t been gradually working up to Kindergarten. We both have. For the past two years, he’s been in preschool. It started with two half-days a week. By the end of this past school year, he was attending three full-days a week. This summer, I signed him up for camp five days a week, which was conveniently held at his school and offered swim lessons, sports, and field trips. Some of his friends and teachers from preschool would even be there, too. Zero transition angst, right? I thought I won the working mom jackpot until we walked into the first day and realized it was nothing like I expected…

It wasn’t the cozy, touchy-feely sandbox of preschool. It was CAMP… with big kids who were used to being pushed (rather than gently transitioned) from one activity to the next. It’s wasn’t snacks, circle time, and making sure he eats all of his lunch. It was games he could keep up with, rejection from kids who weren’t that interested in hanging out with a “little kid”, and answering to camp counselors who didn’t necessarily understand his little five-year-old idiosyncrasies.

By the second week, he made such a scene at morning drop-off that the camp director told me I couldn’t leave him if he was being hysterical. I realized this wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought, but I had to work, I had meetings, I had OTHER stuff scheduled during this tiny sliver of time…

Reluctantly, I became THAT mom who writes letters to the teacher, demanding the special treatment and changes to the rules. He was quickly reassigned to a class called “Kindergarten Readiness”, ensuring that he was with the kids his own age all day. After that we had a rather pleasant summer, but what if I had  not intervened?

Our mornings were filled with much tears and anguish, so of course, I had to intervene. But  it’s a keen reminder that I’m not always going to be there to mediate, assess, and solve all of his world’s problems.  At some point, he has to do this one his own and I’m going to have to learn to let him.

Incidentally, I’ve decided to keep him home from his final days of camp so I can make googly eyes at him and randomly attack him with hugs and kisses. It’s my little way of  squeezing  every last drop of summer vacation, and possibly making sure he FULLY appreciates his hours of independence and self-sufficiency.

Remember: Leave a comment on this post for an additional entry into our Fill the Backpack giveaway. Each member of Splash Creative Media is offering a backpack overstuffed with over $750 worth of  Back to School merchandise.  Enter to win on any or on all of our blogs. 

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Splash Creative Media as part of the Fill the Backpack Campaign. The thoughts and opinions expressed in this post are those of my own. 

Last Sunday, Jennifer Perillo, a fellow blogger, lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack. Just like that. No warning. No signs.

I didn’t know Jennie prior to this week, but that’s not saying much. There are lot of bloggers I don’t know, in spite of being as well-know and much-loved as she is. Yet, grief and sympathy has rippled throughout the blogging community and I could not help but  feel a sense of loss and sadness for her and their two daughters.  My eyes welled with tears as read her blog posts about their final days together, and it took everything I had not to pull my children out of their camp/daycare right then and there and tell them that I love, love, love, love them.

When asked what we could do to help, Jennie simply asked that we make pie and share it with someone you love. So yesterday, bloggers from all around the country, perhaps even all over the world, came together to make a #pieformikey.  Food Network  has compiled all of the posts on their site in a lovely tribute to Jennie and Mikey.

Fresh from a conference attended by over 3600 people who share the same passion for blogging, it’s always so hard to then explain to outsiders how people “who exist in my computer” could matter so much to me that I would travel across the country just to bask in their glow. It unsettles me when people are quick to put down Facebook or Twitter with the insinuation that those relationships ought to matter less than the friendships I could be making in my city or neighborhood.

I don’t know what could be more real than sharing such a tremendous loss and receiving an overwhelming show of support in return. At the end of the day, there’s a person at the other end of that blog post/ Twitter handle/ Facebook “like” and when they grieve, so do you.

Creamy Peanut Butter Pie was her husband’s favorite, which she shared on her site, In Jennie’s Kitchen. Make one for someone you love today.

Creamy Peanut Butter Pie

Serves 10 to 12

8 ounces chocolate cookies

4 tablespoons butter, melted

4 ounces finely chopped chocolate or semi-sweet chocolate chips

1/4 cup chopped peanuts

1 cup heavy cream

8 ounces cream cheese

1 cup creamy-style peanut butter

1 cup confectioner’s sugar

1 – 14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice

Add the cookies to the bowl of a food processor and pulse into fine crumbs.  Combine melted butter and cookie crumbs in a small bowl, and stir with a fork to mix well.  Press mixture into the bottom and 1-inch up the sides of a 9-inch springform pan.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler or in the microwave.  Pour over bottom of cookie crust and spread to the edges using an off-set spatula.  Sprinkle chopped peanuts over the melted chocolate. Place pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the filling.

Pour the heavy cream into a bowl and beat using a stand mixer or hand mixer until stiff peaks form.  Transfer to a small bowl and store in refrigerator until ready to use.  Place the cream cheese and peanut butter in a deep bowl.  Beat on medium speed until light and fluffy.  Reduce speed to low and gradually beat in the confectioner’s sugar.  Add the sweetened condensed milk, vanilla extract and lemon juice. Increase speed to medium and beat until all the ingredients are combined and filling is smooth.

Stir in 1/3 of the whipped cream into the filling mixture (helps lighten the batter, making it easier to fold in the remaining whipped cream).  Fold in the remaining whipped cream.  Pour the filling into the prepared springform pan.  Drizzle the melted chocolate on top, if using, and refrigerate for three hours or overnight before serving.

The time to tell people that you love them is now.

{image credit: Bob.Fornal, Flickr}

Simple things tend to confuse me. For instance, the thought of bringing my newborn son grocery shopping used to be panic-inducing.

What do I do with the carrier? Do I put him in the car first or the groceries? Should I shut the car doors while I return the cart or let my baby get stolen? What do I do if he starts screaming?

My goodness, HOW HAVE MOTHERS BEEN DOING THIS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME?

We’ve eaten several times since then, so I obviously figured it out. It wasn’t long before I was deftly navigating my way through department stores, restaurants, and art museums with my son. Then, we moved abroad and I had to learn how to do it with a Maclaren and a British accent.

Just when I thought I was a pro at this whole “mommy gig”, along came my daughter…  and a new reason to panic.

How do I do this with TWO?

The answer is… with twice as much effort and far fewer hands. It took some doing, time, and experience, but again I figured it out. Then just as I do, I find something new to worry about. Five years ago, it was grocery shopping. Today, it’s kindergarten. I may have some idea of how it’s going to go down, but I won’t really know until we get there.

See, that’s the thing with motherhood. No one gets to go into it being all-knowing. There’s no school or book that can teach you everything. There are no PhDs in parenting. A lot of it you learn with your children. As they grow, so do you.

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This post kicks off the fourth week of “All About the Bump” Month! Eight bloggers and I have teamed up to spend a whole month to talk about all things moms and babies.