Category: New Girl In Town

Trying to make mommy friends is very often compared to dating– lots of hanging around, making discreet eye contact, sizing up the prospects…

Add to that scheduling conflicts around naps and mealtimes, geographic desirability, and toddler temperaments and I’d say that the mommy “dating pool” is far more brutal… and mostly out of our control.

Not only are you expected to bring your “A-Game”, you better hope your kid does too.

It doesn’t matter how charming and witty YOU are. One angry swipe of a sand shovel or blow-up over whose turn it is to play with the stupid “bubble mower” and you can pretty much kiss your chances of “same time, same place next week” buh-bye…

I’ve actually done pretty well meeting new people since we’ve moved here. I joined and have been relatively active in a great moms’ group. I’m in the book club and I volunteer to do things like organize activities for the annual summer picnic.

While it’s nice to run into a familiar face at the grocery store or get birthday party invitations, I’m still looking for the ONE.

Someone who I can call up at 4:30 in the afternoon and say, “My day’s been balls and I just ran out of dish soap. Do you want to walk around Wal-Mart with me? I’ll buy you a dooooo-nut!”…

Or better yet, “So my house is a wreck and my child is out of control, but this boxed wine won’t drink itself. Want to come over? No judgment!”

Someone who won’t recoil in horror if my son shoves her kid for taking a toy away, because next week, it will be the other way around. She’d simply say, “(Insert child’s name) probably had it coming”, which is funny because that’s exactly what I would say.

Of course, a little squabble like that doesn’t really matter since our kids will love one another 99 80 75% of the time.

So imagine my joy when I met “Jessica” and her family over the weekend.

We were waiting in line to ride the kiddie train at Oak Meadow Park when Scout and her son started a pointless shouting match that basically went…

“Yes!”

“No!”

“YES!”

“NO!”

I think the game was who could shout the loudest, but it soon escalated to who could kick the hardest…

She and her husband laughed out loud when Mr. D and I apologized for our kid being a total PUNK. I knew right away that these are fun people.

After exchanging some “boys will be boys” platitudes, we learned that they also just moved to the area and don’t really know a lot of people.

Cool. We’re people!

Our boys are the same age and they just had a baby.

Hey, we’re about to have a baby!

“Jessica” stays home with the kids (just like me!). We’re even in the same moms’ group. Different chapters, but still… and, best part, they live one block away from us.

Swoon!

You mean, we could actually have friends IN the neighborhood! Walking distance even!!!

Swoon! Swoon!

She and I made a play date to meet at the park. “Thursday. 11 am. Got it! See you then!”

Well, Thursday morning came. We showed up. They did not.

I was disappointed, but not entirely miffed about it. We didn’t exchange any info, so it’s not like she could have called and didn’t.

Besides, she seemed pretty frazzled by the whole “juggling two kids” routine. I’m merely days away from being right there with her. Anything could have happened between now and then… Right? Right?

——————————

Meanwhile at the park, a grandmother crossed the playground and stood over Scout and I as we played in the sand. Her young grandson followed after.

Once the little boy caught up with her, she started gesturing wildly and talking about us as if pointing out some horrible and ill behavior.

No, no. That’s not quite right. It was more like she was making an example of two caged monkeys flinging poo.

I wish I could tell you what we were doing that was worthy of such a fuss. Too bad she was speaking in… RUSSIAN.

I have no idea what she could have been squawking about. The only questionable behavior being displayed was the fact that I’m nine months pregnant and sitting in a pile of sand that I may… or may not… be able to get out of on my own.

Not wise, but hardly worth being made an example of…

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Eventually, it was time for lunch, which I had packed in anticipation of a long, chatty play date. So much for that… Humph!

Scout told me he was hungry at the same time another mom nearby was calling her kids to lunch.

She and I had caught one another’s eye as I looked around for “Jessica”… keeping hope alive and all. She had a little girl about Scout’s age and an infant in tow.

She seemed nice too. She’d look over at us and smile. I’d smile back.

As I gathered our sand toys, I noticed that there were only two picnic tables at the park and one was already occupied. So, I approached her and asked if she wanted to share a table with us.

“Uh. Uh…. No. It’s… er, I mean, We’re okay… Uh… We need to wash our hands,” she stammered.

Umm… I guess what she really meant to say was “HELLS NO.”

A few minutes later, the people at the other table left and they ended up sitting right next to us, backs turned AWAY… of course.

——————————

So, stood up, shunned, and made a public spectacle… and all in one morning at the park.

How was your day?

Last Tuesday at 8:20 am, a high school student walked around the lowered crossing arms and onto the tracks at the East Meadow Drive crossing in Palo Alto. He was hit by the oncoming commuter train. A suicide.

My husband would have been on that train if he hadn’t stayed home with Scout while I went to a doctor’s appointment.

The boy’s family buried him over Mother’s Day weekend. I feel terrible for them, but, like all parents, my thoughts immediately turned to my own children.

How could this have happened? How do I prevent this from happening to us?

Although an official reason hasn’t been given, a writer from the Silicon Valley Moms Blog attributes this death to the area’s influence. She asks:

“Does living in the “bubble” of Silicon Valley infect our teenagers with such intense stress that the only way to get relief is to end their life?  What role do we play in this young man’s death?”

In her post, she cited another source, Madeline Levine, a Bay Area psychologist specializing in adolescents. Her research has shown that…

“Kids here are different, (referring to the Bay Area) she says. “They have a lot of fear. They’re afraid to not be popular. They’re afraid to not get good grades so they’re afraid of teachers. They’re afraid of peer groups. They’re afraid of their parents.”

We haven’t lived in Silicon Valley for very long, but I can already tell you that the competition and drive to succeed is sickeningly palatable in just about every aspect of life and it starts early. Among certain stay-at-home mom acquaintances, I’ve been getting hassled about what activities and classes I’m putting Scout in this summer… and it started in March.

Activities? Classes? He’s THREE!

We have a few more years before his schedule is filled with sports and music and karate and scouts… and whatever else he wants to try out. In the meantime, he’ll be spending this summer just being a kid.

Pushy parents and workaholics are a national phenomenon, but there is definitely something uniquely hard and plastic about Silicon Valley.

There are a variety of contributing factors for this– the outrageous cost of living, a largely immigrant population, so many livelihoods tied to a specific volatile industry in a fickle economy…

The only way to stay ahead is to be the best, but at what cost?

Upon relocating from London, we didn’t know a single person in the area to ask about neighborhoods and we were given one day to find a house…

Knowing that Mr. D’s contract is supposed to extend into Scout’s school years, we made our decision based on the education. As a result, we’re paying an exorbitant amount in rent to be in the “desirable” school district.

Ranked one of the best in the nation, in fact… or so it seems “on paper”. Of course, most of the schools in this area are “good schools on paper” that no single one stands out all that much from the rest.

Now that I’ve made a few friends here, I’ve been trying to get the REAL info on the schools and have been shocked by the response. Most of the parents I’ve asked wouldn’t even consider “inflicting” my district’s standards on their kids…

(Mind you, this is all hearsay and personal opinions. I haven’t actually verified any of this, but it IS what I have heard so far…)

Serious homework for kindergartners being pushed to read at a second grade level…

Two varsity level sports in the high school cut out, not due lack of funding, but due to parents having petitioned for MORE school work…

These same parents doing all of the homework for their elementary kids thereby skewing it for the rest who actually do their own work…

…and all in the name of “success”.

I was raised by demanding, immigrant Asian parents too and let’s just say the stereotypes aren’t just stereotypes…

My mom and dad have worked hard all of their lives and continue to do so. Furthermore, they worked hard to be able to raise their daughters in the United States… and away from their third-world upbringing. They gave us everything so that our lives could be all about school, private tutors, and piano/violin lessons.

Although they’ve never actually put the words together, I’m sure from their point of view (and that of their peers) my life looks like a phenomenal failure.

Who goes to private school all of their life, gets a Masters Degree, then puts their career “on hold” to do the work of a nanny/house cleaner… and all before the age of 27?

For all of those late nights practicing scales that I can barely remember today or cramming for that pre-med bio exam that I failed anyway, I learned something far more valuable.

There’s more to life than this.

If there’s one thing I can say for myself, it’s that I’m happy and I spend my days doing something that I love.

I honestly don’t care if Scout or Baby Girl ever become the valedictorian or get into Stanford or are able to care for me in my old age in the manner to which I have become accustomed, as long as they can say the same thing about themselves… and all before the age of 27.

In lieu of the huge blowout of birthday’s past, we celebrated Scout’s birthday with a day trip to Monterey Bay. We had a great day, but it still made me a little sad…

I love planning parties and tend to go a bit overboard… especially when it’s for Scout.

Everything from the goodie bags to burning a “birthday mix” CD to go in each of them. The chaos, the cake, the streamers…

Our house stayed decorated for an entire week!

For his second birthday last year, we had TWO parties. One at Gymboree with his friends and another at our house with the family.

Of course, we were once surrounded by enough friends and family to warrant separate celebrations…

This year, I planned to just do a small cake. Eh, maybe some balloons. No party, just us… sob!

So when my friend, Melissa, graciously offered us free passes to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for the weekend, I jumped on it. Oh excuse me…

That’s Monterey Bay Aquarium, one of America’s BEST aquariums rated #1 by Parents Magazine and #2 by Coastal Living. It certainly did NOT disappoint. I could have watched the jellies for days.

The weather was a gorgeous 60 degrees and sunny, so we also spent a bit of time chasing the tide on the beach…

The night before I made sure to pack the camera, the Flip, sand toys, snacks, hats, and about five extra pairs of pants for Scout, but forgot all about SUNSCREEN!

Not that we needed it…. My enormous belly apparently provided ample sun protection. AMPLE!

SPF Mommy... Super Prego Fatty

Chatting with a bunch of moms about getting stuff accomplish with preschoolers running around and demanding our undivided attention, I joked that if it wasn’t for Nickelodeon and my DVR, dinner would never get made at our house.

Instead of a courtesy laugh, I got, “What’s Nickelodeon?”

…and the conversation completely stopped as all five women started at me waiting for an answer.

Clearly, I’m not among my people here.