Category: My Life Story

I’m the last person who would be caught making “homemade Valentine’s cards”… Yet here I am.

When I asked my two-year-old daughter’s teacher if there were any rules around the class Valentines, she presented to me a dizzying list of do nots.  No nuts. No fighting characters (ie Star Wars). No choking hazards. No hard candies. Nothing gummy. Nothing pointy…  Two-year-olds don’t get to have any fun, do they?

After a few days of poking around Pinterest for inspiration, I came up with this sweet and simple Valentine for my toddler’s class using Goldfish crackers and craft stuff I had around the house.

Needed: Mini bags of goldfish crackers, red card stock, markers, and some sparkly heart stickers.

Disclaimer: Some child labor was used to attach the stickers. She was paid handsomely in hugs, kisses, and praise. 

I met Project Runway’s Anya Ayoung-Chee at the Clever Girls Collectives’ Ladies who Tech Happy Hour at the super swank Wynn/Encore hotel in Las Vegas. We both were in town for CES 2012 and taking a much needed break from the frenetic show floor.

I am normally terrible when it comes to recognizing celebrities, but I knew Anya immediately. It was as if I spent an hour with her in my living room every week for fourteen weeks in a row. Oh wait… I did.

I adored her on the ninth season of Project Runway, cheered along as she won the competition, and was thrilled at the chance of meeting her in person. She is as lovely and gracious seated across a table as she appeared to be on the show. We had a terrific conversation, and as a testament to what a tech-savvy and dedicated blogger I am, it did not occur to me to RECORD any of it until halfway in.

That night, I ran back to my hotel room (on the less then swanky side of the Strip) to record every bit of wisdom, inspiration, and insight gained from my fifteen minutes of rubbing elbows with fame. So, how did this graphic artist turned beauty queen turned reality show sensation win it all at Project Runway within just FOUR MONTHS of learning to sew?

Focus on What Matters. Forget the Rest.

What I found most inspiring about Anya was actually her inability to sew, and I told her so.

You could turn any garment that Laura, Josh, or Victor made inside out and wear it. The craftsmanship was so flawless. My clothes were probably a mess up close, but you couldn’t tell on the runway.

As Michael Kors repeats season after season of the show, “It’s Project Runway, not Project Seamstress”. Anya latched on to that idea quickly and knew exactly where  to spend her energy. She focused on her talents and did not let the other stuff (the things that didn’t matter anyway) bog her down.

She could have beaten herself up over her supposed lack of sewing abilities. She could have obsessed over all the reasons why she “shouldn’t” and “can’t” and “what if”, all the while talking herself out of even trying. Instead, she decided to win.

Everyone is filling a role that they think they ought to be.

The funny thing about TV is that we use it to watch “reality” when we know perfectly well that it is anything but… Scenes are edited. Words are taken out of context. Other things are added. Yet, we still want to believe that it’s all truth and goodness.

I’ve only been on one side of it, so I asked Anya what it was really like to be on Project Runaway. The REAL Project Runway.

The cattiness and drama on the show was… surprise… edited into the show. According to Anya the entire group was very supportive of one another and had a strong sense of camaraderie.  Remarks seen on TV were taken out of context or completely forgotten.

This made it awkward to watch the show together, but we all understood that what you saw on TV wasn’t real.

When I asked what it was like to be judged on the runway week after week, she admitted that it truly was nerve-wracking.

“Michael Kors was so funny,” she added. She knew not to take his remarks personally, but use it as advice. “Heidi, Tim, Michael, Nina. They all wanted us to succeed and they were only trying to help. They just seemed harsher when on TV because that was the role they were supposed to play”.

I’m very guilty to taking any sort criticism to heart.  My first reaction is to lash out, defend myself, or just freak out. In reality, there can be a lot of good to be gained from criticism– an opportunity to do better, suggestions for improvements, holes in your plan. However you want to take it, it’s just as important to consider the source. Perhaps, they too are simply “playing a role” that they think they need to fill.

Get to work.

When Tim Gunn visited Anya at home, she had completed very little. At the time, there was civil unrest in her home country, a lot going on in her personal life, and the added pressure of competing on the show. “The stress was just so overwhelming!” she said, and it showed in her work. She flitted from one idea to another, accomplishing nearly nothing. How many of us can relate to this? 

The best advice from Tim was to just muscle through.

Treat my workroom as an intensive incubator. Start draping muslin. Get to work.

I asked how she was able to find her focus during the show. While the show was broadcast once a week, the challenges came one right after the other with very little time to rest and regroup in between. “It was grueling,” says Anya, but she credits her success to remaining focused and being cut off from the rest of the world. All together. All in it together. There were no distractions or outside delays.

It’s no surprise that the most productive time is alone time, free of interruptions and distraction. And, the best way to get alone time is to demand it.  Set aside specific hours in which you turn off your phone, block social media, and don’t hold any meetings. Shut the door, sit down, and focus nonstop.

In other words, GET TO WORK.

Last December, I reflected on the 11 things my life doesn’t need in 2011 as part of #reverb10. Here they are again in no particular order: Wishing for my old life back, Perfection, Energy Sucks, “Yes”, Fear, Worry, Stuff, Other People’s Issues, Wishing instead of Doing, Bulk, and Hurry.

How did I do?

Fear and Worry are a given when you’re a parent… and a human being. It’s what drives and motivates us. They are inescapable, but I did make an effort in 2011 to not let them rule my life entirely. Mostly, it had to do with not reacting, but instead, thinking through what is and is not a valuable outcome.

Perfection, Energy Sucks, and Other People’s Issues were easy to ditch in 2011. I just didn’t have the time! I was too busy doing (instead of wishing) and attempting to move my own life forward.

I still have an issue with saying “Yes” to too many things, but the difference was that the “yes” was more often something for us—volunteering at the kids’ schools,  putting in more effort at my moms’ group, finding interesting projects, etc. I’ve discovered that “yes” to things that enrich our lives is a thousand times more satisfying than a “yes” to win someone’s love and approval.

I will always wish for my old life back, but not in the same sense. There are a lot of things that I miss from when I used to be some place I thought I would be forever and ever– a sense of community, a sense of belonging. In many ways, we have found those things here. In other ways, we have not.

I found myself less attached to Stuff, as evidenced by my massive end-of-year clean out of the garage and closets. All of the girl clothes went to my best friend’s infant daughter. All of the boy clothes went to my cousin’s two sons. The rest were dropped off at Goodwill. I also made an effort to purchase less in 2011, and instead spend more on experiences with the kids—activities, day trips, museum passes.

Excessive Bulk and Hurry are things I am (unfortunately) carrying with me into 2012. I just have to keep working at it.

It was more difficult to come up with a list of “12 things my life doesn’t need in 2012″, since the very first things I could think of are squarely NOT within my control. For instance, “surprises” (not the fun kind)…  2011 was going well enough until the very, very end. Then *smack*… SURPRISE!

On that note, I would also love do away with uncertainty, instability, and frustration.  Don’t we all.

So rather than coming up with 12 things I don’t need in 2012, I decided to focus on 12 things I want to accomplish in 2012. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Complete my blog redesign. Yes, the same blog redesign that I teased you with months ago. The project was put on hold because I got busy and overwhelmed. I hoped to have it ready before 2012… Now, I hope to have it done by the end of the month.

2. Take a photography class. Per my Tech Resolutions in 2012… It’s either this or improve my Photoshop skills.

3. Set limits on my work. 2011 was the year of the 24/7 work week. Yet, I ended the year feeling as if I had accomplished NOTHING and let everyone down. How does that work? Well, I was constantly chasing after projects and to-do lists, then staying up until the breaking point to complete them. I was so crazy exhausted that I never did anything very well.

One of my goals in 2012 is to set aside dedicated work hours and dedicated non-work hours. There will be days when my computer stays shut and my phone will be used as…a phone. I owe it to my family. I owe it to myself.

4. Focus on a single meaningful project.  Drop the things that have been holding me back. Do the things that move me forward.

5. Exercise regularly. If only for the alone time…

6. Reading for pleasure. Writing for fun. 

7. Create family rituals. Friday movie night. Saturday bike ride. Sunday dinner. Whatever it is, I want there to be one thing that our family does together once a week.

8. Take the time to be a good wife. Seven years doesn’t seem like very long time to be married, especially since our parents’ marriages are going strong at 30+ and 40+ years. Yet, the past few years of my marriage have been tough for a variety of reasons. Yet, there have been glimmers and moments when I remember why I fell in love with Mike in the first place.  Actually, there are glimmers and moment every single day. I’ve just been too busy to notice… In 2012, I want more glimmers and moments.

9. Reclaim my faith. As much as the past few years have been a strain on my marriage, it has been doubly so for my faith.

10. Post my work goals in plain sight. It feels like cheating to list “making goals” as a goal, but taking the time to think through and really imagine what I want to accomplish professionally. What are these sleepless nights, deadlines, and endless hours all about? This is huge.

11. Start a Gratitude Project. I started one at the beginning of 2011, but let it fall by the way side.

12. Remember to smile and savor the moment.

What are the 12 things your life needs more of in 2012? How will you go about getting them? How will getting these things change your life?

Everywhere I went yesterday, people kept asking me if I was hosting Thanksgiving, what I planned to serve, and who I was having over…

“Host” is quite an ambitious word for what I do every single day, which is put a meal on the table that my kids will turn their noses to and my husband will clean up after. Ha!

Yes, it is just the four of us this Thanksgiving. After a week of the flu, coughing, and sneezing… and far too many hours logged into work,  we begged off an invitation to dinner at relatives in favor of staying close to home and together.

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the little break and for this quite weekend with my littles and my hubby, and I hope you have a wonderful one too!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 

When you start thinking of parenting in terms of an overall context and an end goal, as I have recently started to do with Marble Jar, certain behaviors suddenly go from being an aggravation to a teachable moment.

Realizing that things aren’t necessarily about being “bad” as opposed to “good”, we’ve shifted the conversations to the difference between right and wrong. I’m more patient with my kids, knowing that they aren’t trying to be difficult. They are just trying to figure out how the world works and their place in it. And, sometimes, there are bumps along the way…

Here is an example.  My five-year-old son’s tattling has recently morphed into full-fledged, blatant lying.

Now, I am by no means a parenting expert, so I have no idea why little kids lie. I can, however, tell you that lies at this age are nothing like the ones teenagers or adult tell. First of all, little kid lies are usually ridiculous, completely transparent, and pointless. It is easy to blow them off as nothing because it’s take just as long to make sense of them and it is to explain why it’s wrong.

Little kids’ lies aren’t about getting away with something, sparing someone else’s feelings, or being deceitful. Usually, their lies are all about the moment and nothing more.

Their motivations are also completely different as well. They lie because they want to avoid punishment or because they really don’t know the difference between make-believe and real life.  Sometimes, they lie just for the attention… as I suspect is the case with my son.

So one Friday morning a few weeks ago, Mike and I woke up and rushed to get the kids up and to the breakfast table. Once they were settled in front of their bowls of cereal, Mike ran outside to take the trash to the curb and I went to take a quick shower.

I had barely lathered (well on my way to rinse and repeat) when Scout ran frantically into the bathroom. “Mommy, Lou is choking! Lou is choking!”

I scrambled out of the tub, shampoo running into my eyes and water dripping everywhere. I grabbed my towel and barely covered myself as I slipped and slid into the kitchen to find… Lou was completely and totally fine.

She wasn’t even eating… much less choking… on anything.

When my daughter saw me, she wanted to get up from the table and I had to coax her to stay put and finish breakfast. Then, she and I had to go through the whole charade of convincing her to eat. She would refuse. I would find another way to ask…

Several precious minutes later, I was finally able to resume my shower– steamed about the time we had squandered and fuming at my son. We were late to school and work again that day, and all I could sputter and spew at my son was, “Why?! Why would you make up something like that?”

“Opps, I forgot…” he said, which is his version of when someone says, “I’m just joking. Can’t you take a joke?” when you know that they weren’t joking at all.

I let if go for the moment, but it was no surprise when, a few days later, a note came home from his teacher informing us that Scout had told a lie in school about a classmate.

I asked my otherwise truthful and over-sharing son to explain what happened and he dutifully spared no detail. As he did, the words that I was too exasperated and frazzled to form a few mornings before, came to me in a spark. There, presenting itself was a “teachable moment”.

While it may seem harmless  or fun to make up a little story or get everyone riled up, lies affect everyone around you.  I pointed out how his little lie about his sister choking caused unnecessary drama and made the entire family late that morning. Likewise, telling a lie about his classmate made his friend get in trouble, and probably took time away from class or recess.

“How would you feel if someone made up a story about you and you got in trouble for it?” I asked him.  ”Bad and no fair”, he said.

For the first time, I was able to provide him with a clear correlation between his words and actions with a real-life situation. A true cause-and-effect. The bigger lesson, of course, is how interconnected human beings really are to one another. The small lesson is how hurtful and damaging lies can be.

I can assure you that making these connections had a far greater impact on my impressionable son than if I had given him a timeout or simply said “lying is bad” and left it at that.

——————–

Marble Jar is available for the iPhone/iPad for FREE in the App Store.  To learn more about this app, read:

• My introduction post on Marble Jar in which I outline how (and why) to start using this app.
• My interview with founders: parenting expert, Vicki Hoefle from Parenting on Track, and Winwin Apps developer, Anna Rosenblum Palmer.
• Creating a family mission statement with Marble Jar.

Disclosure: This post is the final part of a compensated series sponsored by Marble Jar . The thoughts and opinons expressed in this post are my own, and do not reflect those of Marble Jar or its founders. 

{Image Credit: “Goofus and Gallant”, Highlights for Kids. October, 1980)